Kelsie Davidson's Journal

It's been a long, not-at-all predictable journey.

Like all journeys, this one has come with its own baggage.

However, this journey's baggage has filled up all the available space, to the point where I feel like there's not much room to say anything else.

So I'll be leaving this old baggage by the side of the railway tracks, and wandering somewhere else for a bit.

If you're interested in following my new journal, you can e-mail me at my hotmail address, which is energeticravings. Or those who know how to get in touch in other ways can do so. To just such an extent, I am making a clean break of things.

In the meantime, I'm officially long gone from here, as of now.

Whoops, it's been a while.

First: RockstarBaby is adorable, and doing just fine, thank you for asking (and I know you will because I'm just that psychic). For those who haven't had a chance to see, photos of RockstarBaby are available here.

It's a bit trite to say that having a baby is transformative -- I mean, it's one of those perfectly obvious things that you know going in. But what everyone emphasizes (and I think it's stupid, by the way) is how much hard work it is, and how you stop having time for yourself, and how much you have to sacrifice, and basically, how miserable it is and how it forces you to give up everything you care about, but it's fun so it makes up for it all somehow.

Seriously?! Dude, people are doin' it RONG.

Babies are FUN, and RockstarBaby is an easy baby, which doesn't hurt. I actually do have a lot of sympathy for people who have fussy babies, or life circumstances that make raising a kid harder than it is for us right now. We waited until we were well and truly ready, and we put a lot of structures in place, and we have lots of local support, and we earn a decent income -- all of those are priviliges that I realize not everybody has. But man, people could really lay off on the deterrants and that would be seriously okay. Because babies are FUN, first, last, and awesome. Boy does that get lost in all the warnings.

Babies are also surprisingly useful in ways I didn't expect.

I didn't expect, when I got pregnant, that I would become quite as introverted as I did, or revert to such a reserved state. And I'll be undoing that a bit, now that we're on the other side of all the planning -- I swear, it was almost as bad as planning my wedding, in terms of things that had to be done, just so, by no later than. But you know, the thing I really appreciate about having taken that step back from people who were influencing me? I really got to enjoy being around only people who enjoy me enough to actively seek me out. I got to appreciate not ever being treated with contempt, and not having to deal with people trying to start drama, or spreading nasty rumours about me, or telling me about the nasty rumours other people were spreading about me. I got to feel what it was like to be supported by the people around me, instead of being constantly forced into the company of people who treat me badly and then being roundly criticized for not pretending that "it's okay, because it's X doing it, and X is a friend." I got to experience what it was like to be able to make mistakes, get called on them, and resolve the problem civilly, without hard feelings or accusations of bad faith. And I got to experience what it was like to call someone on something and have them respond respectfully, instead of refusing to acknowledge any problem, or making the problem all about my personal failings.

You know what? I really like that. I like being around kind people, and not spending time around people who aren't nice to me. And now that I've reaffirmed it's possible, I'm not going back. I'm ending my previous open policy, and people who are unpleasant are no longer welcome in my home or at my events. Because really? I don't deserve contempt or suspicion or for people to feel like it's okay to try to take me down a peg to compensate for their own insecurity. I'm done with it. My friends don't deserve that either. I'm done with it on their behalf.

That's not about the baby, you say? Sure it's not, but it would have taken me a lot longer to come to that realization if I hadn't taken that break -- if I were still mired in the midst of all that drama, and expecations, and the constant social drone of influencing people and being influenced by them.

Likewise, the benefit of being home full time for several months has been the realization that yes, if I were a full-time homemaker, I would, in fact, be able to maintain a perfect home, and it is not a deficiency on my part that I fell behind while dealing with a full time job, overlapping crises, and trying to maintain a clean home despite multiple other residents who mostly, frankly, did not care if the house was as clean as I prefer to have it be or who did not have the ability to contribute at an equal level. If I were willing to sacrifice all my free time and other pursuits, I could even probably even keep a model home while holding down a full-time job. But it's a damned lot of work, and while I'm working on establishing some processes and routines to address some of the workload, I'm also letting go of a lot of the frustration I was feeling about not having a model home. Because seriously? I am way more interesting and important than whether my floor is perfectly swept. And if I can be tolerant of other people's lapses, I think it's only fair to apply the same standard to myself.

That all does, by the way, mean that people can goddamn well stop riding me about my goddamned home. I do not come into your space and criticize you -- any of you, for anything, no matter how different your style is from my own. I have tried like hell to be supportive of what y'all are struggling with, when I think I have anything to offer. I would honestly like to see some reciprocal support and tolerance. I don't think that's an unreasonable thing to request. This is a thing that has been pissing me off for YEARS. I am letting you know now -- stop it. It isn't cute, clever, funny, helpful, or in any other way positive. It damages our friendship, every time you go there.

And I guess, besides the obvious benefit of Adorable!Rockstar!Baby!, that that is the major benefit I gained from all of this -- the fact that, given time to reflect, given space to not have to deal with everyone else's constant crises and criticism, I no longer feel like I need to apologize for being truely myself. I no longer feel like I need to pander to people who, in retrospect, clearly neither like nor respect me. Think about what that means, about the health of our social group, folks. Think about it, and ask yourselves if that's really okay with you, or if there's something we, as a group, should be doing to help address that kind of damage, because I doubt I'm the only person who finds that kind of hyper-critical and unsupportive environment stressful and unenjoyable.

But think fast, because I'm looking in other directions. I'm becoming convinced that the Davis LARP community is irredeemably toxic. I have more fun almost anywhere else -- even cleaning my own house.

Lately, I've taken up yoga, at the Yoga Seed Collective. It's awesome, though not quite as awesome as Rockstar!Baby! Right now, I'm attending the LGBT sessions on Tuesdays, with my Babybro's Vibrantly Feminist Girlfriend. I'm also trying to figure out how I can reasonably work in more activism, because I miss having that in my life, and I enjoy it when I create the space for it. And because it's important, and I'm good at it.

I'm happy. And relaxed. I am really enjoying myself, even though I will enjoy going back to work in January. And in case I haven't yet made it perfectly clear, Rockstar!Baby! is an absolute delight, as is my Fabulous Husband.

I plan to hang on to that.

( Cut for length and courtesy. Rated R, for moderate ranting. )

( Cut for length and courtesy )

... to say that not much is happening right now. But it is nevertheless (and inexplicably) an accurate reflection of how I feel.

Slipping back into my old habits from when I was working part-time, of scheduling only a couple of errands a day, despite a lengthy list. How leisurely! I suppose caring for a baby is a part-time job, of sorts... Or at least, it favors the same kind of scheduling tactics.

I suppose I should note, then, for those only tracking through LJ, that yes, my baby daughter was born three weeks early, and we have now brought her home from the hospital, hopefully for good (blood test tomorrow to ensure that a spot of jaundice has cleared up and is not a continuing problem).

As a result, we are woefully behind on errands, as we had planned to have at least one (more likely two or three) more weeks in which to accomplish various preparatory tasks. Argh. Though given that I've cleared nine tasks and two medical appointments in the last three days, I don't know what I'm complaining about -- it's less that I've been inactive, and more that I've been quietly productive at a more-or-less sustainable pace, which is ... not a common thing for me, I'm usually (last few months of pregnancy excepted) far more driven than this.

I'm going to have to step it up anyway, but I figured we were due a few "slow" days after spending so much time at the hospital. And, you know, the whole childbirth thing.

That's okay. I have a plan....

... but I am once again back to my semi-usual "oh my God, my head is full of STUFF" modus, which is a little reassuring -- I was starting to wonder if I was turning into one of those boring old people, who doesn't have any interesting hobbies and just putters around all the time not accomplishing anything.

Apparently, fortunately, NOT.

(I've been coming home and watching TV and not having Any Energy At All, which has been really really frustrating, because NONE OF THE THINGS I WANT TO DO GET DONE.)

That said, with what is my head full?

Suddenly I'm not quite sure...

No, no. It's stuff like...

( Work Stuff )
( Home Stuff )
( School Stuff )
( Baby Stuff )
Mrghk. I suppose that is reason to have my brain be overfull. Plus a couple sekrit projects that're on hold until I can get things a little less randomized. Now to figure out what can be done about it...

I am reasonably certain that a mocha and several chocolate-and-peanutbutter chip cookies do not constitute a nutritious breakfast.

I suppose I ought to do something about that, eventually.

It doesn't help that my sleep schedule is totally out of whack -- I think I got something like fourteen hours of sleep last night. Which admittedly includes a couple hours of waking up, dozing off, waking up again, dozing back off... Argh.

I wouldn't have such a problem with it, except that the pregnancy thing is complicating. It doesn't make such changes that it's not ignorable, but it draws attention to all sorts of things that might be pregnancy-related, but are also things I do at other times and just don't think about, except now that I'm pregnant I'm supposed to be thinking about things all the time, so everything gets SUPER IMPORTANT out of proportion to the way it would usually affect my life...

Also, it is surreal that this pregnancy is as mellow and low-key as it is. Presumably, at some point, the baby will NOT be so mellow and low-key, but in the meantime, it has a sort of not-quite-real-yet-ask-me-tomorrow quality to it that seems entirely inappropriate. I mean, should it not involve some sort of massively transformative, highly dramatic magical-girl sequence or something to signify its awesome and life-changing potential? (Well, I appreciate that it's not a time-delayed magical-girl sequence, because parts of that could be really inappropriate at the office, but you know what I mean.)

Instead, food tastes amazing, and I am fat. So, exactly how is this supposed to signal a change again?

I want my fireworks and ribbons. Moreover, I want to fit into a skimpy bustier and look good doing it.

This is all vastly unfair. *sulks*

Really exhausted the last week or so.

Today was particularly frustrating. Kept dropping everything -- especially food, especially if doing so would create a heinous mess. After I exploded half a gallon of orange juice all over the kitchen, I decided that today officially never existed.

In totally unrelated news, I now get to convince my managers that even though I'll be out for three and a half months, starting two months from now, and even though I may have two new managers by then, it doesn't mean that we shouldn't get a start on planning what we can do about enhancing my program. It just means we shouldn't kick anything OFF until I get back.

Yes, my life really is this slow and boring right now.

I miss caffeeeeeeeeine....

Don't know why I've been so quiet lately. Gets to be a habit, I suppose, and winter was long, and the last two years contained much worth forgetting.

( More bitching about the recent weather )

( Family Stuff )

( Family Reunion )

( Other Family Stuff )

( 4th of July plans )

( Job Drama )

( Even More Family Stuff )

( Plan-like concepts )

( Roleplaying )

Oh, see, that was quick. How much updating can possibly be required, given that things have been so quiet and uneventful recently? No wonder I never have anything to say...

I wish winter would end. I always do so much better in summer.

If I wanted rain like this, I'd live in England.